To Engage or Disengage

My clog-wearing friend, Cricket, lives on the fourth floor of a walk-up with marble, uncarpeted stairs.  The other day she reached the bottom of the stairwell only to discover that she had left something in her apartment.  She turned around, ran back upstairs, grabbed what she needed and ran down the steps again.  This time, though, a neighbor she’d never met who lives at the bottom of the stairs greeted her angrily.

“You always do this!” fumed her neighbor, clearly expressing pent up frustration about my friend’s loud clomping.  Cricket stopped in her tracks, turned to the neighbor and replied in earnest, “Forget things… I know.  I hate it, too.”  And out the door she went.

I love this story for many reasons. I’m inspired by and envious of Cricket’s presence of mind in that moment.  She did not take on any of her neighbor’s upset, diffused the situation with humor, and continued on with her day.  She disengaged from the rage.

I also feel compassion for the neighbor.  It’s clear she had been feeling this anger for quite some time yet had not expressed it to my friend.  Whether her explosion really did have to do with the clog stomping or was about something else entirely we’ll never know.

For me, there are two profound lessons about self-care in this story:

Lesson 1:  Disengage from the rage

Cricket’s choice to disengage from her neighbor’s rage is a great example of self-care.  She decided not to take the outburst personally.  Much easier said than done, especially when it involves family and friends, the fact remains – you always have a choice:  to engage or disengage with the rage.  Whether you choose to disengage by using humor, remove yourself from the situation, and/or or set healthy boundaries in the moment or after the person has calmed down, then you are choosing personal power and freedom.  If you choose to engage, then you are choosing to mirror whatever is being thrown at you, be it drama, anger, upset, etc.

Lesson 2:  Own your 100%

Technically speaking, Cricket owned her 100% by taking personal responsibility for her forgetfulness.  On the other hand, the neighbor never owned her part.  The level of upset the neighbor demonstrated was not congruous with Cricket’s action.  Or, said another way, the punishment didn’t fit the crime.  One might argue that perhaps my friend was being inconsiderate.  After all she does live in a brownstone with several tenants and listening to wooden clogs pounding on each marble step could be quite annoying.  However, the neighbor’s reaction was likely a result of having not expressed herself prior to this moment. Not owning her 100%.  Because she did not take care of herself from the beginning, this “annoyance” turned into “rage”.

When rage is present, it has to do with the past.  It’s an indication, a trigger, that there is unfinished business lingering that may or may not have anything to do with the present situation.  It’s a sign that somewhere along the line we did not take care of ourselves; we did not express ourselves authentically and now we are paying for it.

So I ask you, with whom do you have an opportunity express yourself honestly before the annoyance turns into rage?  How can you acknowledge and own your 100%?  What do you feel are the potential benefits of this action?  How willing are you to do take these steps?

Today I invite you to own your 100%, to take care of your needs in the moment, and to disengage from that which is not yours.  And above all, try your best to find the humor in all of it.

“Clarity Requested…”

I have a new hero.  His name is Tony.  This man knows what he wants and knows how to get it.  It’s intoxicating to witness.

In a meeting a few weeks ago people were excitedly talking over each other.  Then a calm, yet confident voice rose above it all and with the most pristine, southern accent said, “Clarity requested.”  All eyes turned to Tony.  Centered and composed, he asked his question, received his answer and responded in the same pristine, southern accent, “Clarity received.”

Clarity requested.  Clarity Received.  Simple.  Poignant.  Brilliant.  Even in asking for clarity, the man is clear.  I love him.

This has been a beautiful gift for me, especially as it relates to my friend who I’ll call Alphonse (per his request).  I’m convinced Alphonse knows every word in the Oxford English Dictionary, which, admittedly, I do not.  As a result I literally don’t comprehend parts of our daily conversations.  In the past I had stayed quiet, swimming in my own vat of self-judgment and feeling like an idiot.  Now I am proudly requesting clarity (sometimes in my own version of Tony’s accent) and gratefully receiving it.

Alphonse created his own version which he says in a pristine, Michigan accent: “Perspicacity requested.  Perspicacity received.”  See what I mean?

Where are you looking for clarity in your life right now?  Are you willing to ask for it?  And are you open to receive the answers?

Here’s to your clarity requested… clarity received.

Time To Re-define

It usually takes me a good solid year – okay three years – to follow a trend.  I held out on buying UGGs and the iPhone because I thought UGGs were, well… ugly and the iPhone was for the kids. Then two things happened:  1) My winter boots fell apart, and 2) I left my corporate job and was kindly asked to leave my blackberry behind.  These were desperate times.

Skeptically, I tried on my first pair of UGGs and quickly learned that for as ugly as they are on the outside, that’s how warm and toasty they are on the inside.  Who knew?  I mean, aside from the masses that wear these boots. Needless to say, I made the purchase.

Then I discovered there was an iPhone app for the 1980’s classic video game, Centipede.  I instantly let go of the idea that I was a corporate, blackberry person, embraced my inner Mac person, and bought that gadget with urgency.

The trend I had avoided the longest, though – aside from leggings – was blogging.  As a life coach, I was well aware that it is my unwritten duty to blog, yet I was scared and intimidated by the concept.  I was blog-phobic.  Every day I asked myself, “Who am I to blog?” and I heard Marianne Williamson in my head answer, “Who are you not to blog?”

Yet, any time I tried to write I experienced blogger’s block.  If I looked to another blog for inspiration I was overcome with blog envy.  All around me it seemed people were operating at heightened levels of blog-ability while I was paralyzed in blog resistance.

Finally, there came a moment when I realized that it wasn’t my blog, but my relationship to my blog, that was stopping me from moving forward.  I was the one standing in my way, not the blog or those prolific bloggers.  I was not owning my blog-ability. It was time to re-define my relationship to my blog and make this mean monster my fun friend. And here we are.

Every relationship you have, be it to a trend or another person, is a reflection of your relationship with yourself.  The key is to observe – ideally without judgment – what’s being mirrored back to you at all times.  Once you identify what you perceive in others, you will know what, if anything, needs to shift in you.  This is where the real change happens.

In my resistance to start this blog, I was actually rejecting myself.  I was closing myself off from my love of writing, my creative self-expression, and my desire to connect.  I was operating from fear and relating to myself as small.  I was hiding.

As soon as I recognized this, I changed my relationship to the blog from foe to friend.  This transformed my relationship with myself.  I felt more open.  I was kind to myself.  I started having fun. There was ease and flow in my writing and also in my day.  I was free.

So I ask you – What are the relationships in your life reflecting back to you?  What relationships might benefit from re-defining?  What do you want these relationships to look like?  What’s one thing you can do or one thought you might shift in one or more of your relationships to put this new definition into action?

Try it.  It’s time.