Give Thyself Permission
December 24th, 2009
I can’t stop thinking about this sweat lodge tragedy that took place in October during a workshop given by spiritual teacher, James Arthur Ray. Did you hear about it? Three people died and nineteen others were hospitalized with various injuries after they spent two hours in a small, ill-constructed space heated at 120 degrees. While this incident and Ray is currently under investigation and possible criminal charges are pending the questions remain – how could this have gone so wrong and so far?
Though it’s easy and appropriate to point the finger (whichever one you choose) at Ray, I am fascinated that despite these unbearable conditions very few people left the structure. According to several reports, participants were “strongly encouraged, but not forced” to stay in the sweat lodge for the duration of the exercise. Yet I can’t help but sincerely wonder if there was a point when these participants felt it was in their best interest to get out of that cramped space with overheating, volcanic rock and no air. And if they did have that thought, why didn’t they listen to themselves and leave?
In his book Harmonic Wealth, Ray writes, “Your intuition is the angel on your shoulder… When you start to pay attention to that inner voice… you’ll learn to tell the difference between fear and a stretch that will help you grow, or something to truly stay away from. A good opportunity will feel expansive, exciting, like your brain is lighting up.” I’m sure he meant that figuratively.
It’s worth noting that Ray dabbled in extremes in his own quest for enlightenment. In his book, he says that while on one of his many journeys to the Amazon he asked a shaman for “the big dose” of a psychoactive plant known as the “death vine”, which “gives the seeker the experience of dying and being reborn.”
Ray’s desire for this experience is an important gauge as to how far he’s pushed himself and survived and how far he will – and reportedly did – push his students. The problem arises when people push themselves to the threshold of others instead of knowing, trusting, and responding to their own.
While I am crystal clear I have zero desire to ever ingest a “big dose of death vine”, I was not as clear I would have given myself permission to leave that sweat lodge scene, even if my intuition was telling me to get out.
Hypothetically putting myself in that scenario I asked myself – Would I have entered that alarmingly hot structure even though I can’t bear to be in a sauna at the gym? Would I have followed this leader who was “strongly encouraging” me to stay inside even if I felt in my gut that this was not safe? Would I have allowed myself get to the point of severe sickness or even death? My honest answer was… quite possibly. This awareness was chilling to me.
In that moment I had total empathy for the participants of that event and for myself. I vowed to consciously practice listening more intently to my intuition and to learn to know, trust and respond to “the difference between fear and a stretch that will make me grow”, per Ray. I promised to give myself permission to ALWAYS respond to my intuition accordingly in any given situation, regardless of how it may appear to my ego or others. Period.
What would you have done in this situation? Do you trust yourself and look to yourself first for your answers? Where do you give your power away and deny yourself permission to follow your instinct? What can you give yourself permission to do right now that would be a great example of self-care?
My hope is that this sad and tragic event will provide an opportunity for all of us to look within and see who and how we trust and take personal responsibility and healthy action from there.
Here’s to giving yourself permission and trusting you first!
“Let it go, let it go, let it go!”
December 23rd, 2009
After innocently sending an invite to someone I knew long ago in business to join one of my many social networks, I received the most scathing, loathsome, and nasty email ever. It seems, based on his choice language, this person has been holding on to some serious resentment towards me for the last four years. He called me, among other things, “rude”, asked me if I lived on the “planet of nothing happened before today” and then wished me happy holidays, which I thought was nice. However, I don’t think he’ll be joining my social network.
At first I thought his mean response was a joke because it was so loaded and incongruous with my benign email. He responded so quickly and with such a bite it was as if he’d been waiting by his computer for this very day to send that calculated response. Meanwhile, I hadn’t thought about this person at all the last four years. It even took me a moment to remember why he was so angry. Then I recalled that due to his own, mean actions and inability to work with others, he was fired from a project I was overseeing at the time. Therein lies the rub.
Despite the fact that he seemed incapable of taking any personal responsibility for this incident, I decided to respond to his email. I wrote how sorry I was to hear that he’s been harboring such rage and apologized for anything I might have done to contribute to that. I wished him well, signed it with sincerity, and sent it off.
Moments later I received an even more scathing, loathsome and nasty response. That one I deleted immediately and moved on with my evening.
As detached as I felt from this particular situation, it reminded me of a time when I had wasted countless hours resenting my former boss. For two years I fought with him for any reason I could find. If he said up, I said down. If he said yes, I said no. I was relentless.
I fantasized about the “dramatic quit”. You know the one – You purposefully walk into the boss’s office, clear his desk with your forearm and then break out into an Oscar worthy, unabridged soliloquy of everything you’ve ever wanted to say to him, punctuated by the guttural “I quit!” Then you walk out leaving him speechless and enter the lobby where you’re co-workers greet you with the slow, dramatic clap that escalates into a full-blown applause ala every movie in the 80′s. I get weepy just thinking about it.
Then the day came. I took an opportunity to opt out of my contract and in a few weeks I was leaving the company. Ready for my big performance I said to my boss, “Aren’t you happy? We don’t have to work together anymore!” He looked at me quizzically and earnestly said, “What do you mean? I like working with you.”
Wait…WHAT???
Here I’d been squandering valuable time despising him and he wasn’t feeling this way at all! I wondered if this was the way “venomous email man” felt about my response. How disappointing! Yet unlike that outraged man, in this very moment I actually felt a sudden and complete shift. I saw the truth of the situation, owned my anger, let it go, and I was free. I even left that job on good terms with my former boss.
Both of these situations remind me of a quote I once heard by a man named Malachy McCourt. He said, “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” How true it is.
In the spirit of the holiday season notice what you’re holding on to and consider giving yourself the gift to “let it go, let it go, let it go!” It’s a good one.
