Very Busy

The other day I was on the phone with my friend Mary.  As I passionately paced around my apartment I urgently described to her a new and, if I may say so myself, brilliant idea I had.  In the midst of expounding my creative genius, Mary boldly interrupted me and asked, “Why aren’t you writing this down and making it happen?”  To which, without missing a beat, I responded, “Because, Mary, I am very busy walking in circles!”

I thought to myself, how dare she cut off my grandiose and eloquent speech and urge me to take action!  I was quite happy and very comfortable walking in circles and talking about my idea rather than actually taking the steps forward to bring it to fruition.  But alas, Mary’s question hit a nerve.  I knew I had to delve in and get this going.  But before I did, I asked myself, “What had I been very busy doing that stopped me from moving ahead?”

The answers went something like this:

• I had been very busy procrastinating.
• I had been very busy avoiding failure and/or success.
• I had been very busy keeping myself in fear.

After looking at this list and noticing how much energy it took to focus on procrastinating, avoiding, and fear, I was exhausted!  I decided I wanted and was ready to shift these destructive thoughts and behaviors to productive next steps.

In that moment I got up, walked to my computer, turned the phone off and within two hours I had written down my brilliant, if I may say so myself, idea on paper and sent it to prominent decision-makers who could potentially make this idea a reality.   Instead of feeling exhausted, I felt exhilarated!

What are you very busy doing?  Is it destructive or productive?  Do you feel exhausted or exhilarated?

If you’ve been giving lip service to something you know you’ve been wanting to do, say or even be for a long time, then I am encouraging you to take one, small step forward now.  Tell someone to what action you’re committing and by when so you are holding yourself accountable to another person and getting it done.  Then take another step.

Before you know it those old, busy, destructive behaviors will have morphed into your brilliant, if I may say so myself, ideas that have come to fruition with ease!

To productivity and beyond!

New Year. New Way.

A few weeks ago I walked by this sign to the left.  The bright colors and bold message demanded my attention.  I have to admit that at the time I was  not experiencing anything close to relaxed, nor was I  feeling like “it was all good”, yet I knew this was an invitation to see that everything – like it or not, comfortable or not, joyful or not – was actually “all good”.

When we relax – or pause – we can step back and choose to relate to  and understand that everything in our lives is good because it’s all happening for our highest good.  Challenges  give us perspective, information and help us grow.  That’s good. Triumphs show us our power, potential and give us confidence.  Also good.  And expected or unexpected change gives us the opportunity to reconnect, reassess and respond.  All good.

Today as you welcome in 2011, I invite you to relax instead of rush into this new year.  Take a breath  – or ten.  Be gentle with yourself and let go of any pressure or urgency to meet all of your goals and resolutions instantly.  If you give yourself permission to relax then you can reflect on the abundance of good that already exists in your life.  It is from this place that you have the power to be, create,  and do absolutely anything.

May you relax into this New Year knowing it’s all good!

Finding the “Message” in the “Mess”

I was walking my dog today and came upon this sign.  I immediately knew it was a message and also a metaphor for what’s been present for me over the past few months.

I’d been feeling disconnected from myself.  I had let my morning practice go, I’d not been eating well or sleeping enough and the word exercise had been permanently removed from my vocabulary.  I was focusing on the “mess”, illustrated quite nicely here in the form of graffiti, behind the message.   That was easy.  “So shine” felt too hard.

At 2:00 in the afternoon something in me pushed past my resistance and I began to do my “morning” practice at that hour.  As I was writing in my journal, stating and adamantly claiming all that I was ready for and wanted, including commitment from others personally and professionally, I heard this very faint voice say, “Really?  You want other people to commit to you when you haven’t  been committed to yourself?  How could that possibly work?  You are teaching people how to treat you by the way you treat yourself.  You must first become the thing you want for yourself to yourself.  Then the thing you want will come.”  I knew then it was time to become the commitment I was seeking from others.  But how?

Almost immediately, the Mary Oliver poem came to mind where she says, “To live in this world you must be able to do three things:

1.  To love what is mortal, temporary, and fleeting.
2.  To hold it against your bones as if your life depends on it.
3.  And when the time comes to let it go, to let it go.”

Today I realized that I want to enter into this relationship with myself as if my life depends on it, because the truth is, it does.  I want to let go of focusing on the “mess” and embody the message “So shine” – even when it feels challenging.

So, with you as my witness, I am declaring my willingness to change my ways and get my shine on!  I hereby commit to my total and complete Self-care from the inside out starting right here and right now.  And I know that as I become the commitment to myself I will have that commitment show up in my external world.  And So It Is!

What do you want to have more of in your life?  How committed are you to becoming this first?  Are you ready to join me in getting your shine on as if your life depends on it and focus on the message instead of the “mess”?  If so, I support you 100%.  Keep me posted on your progress.  I want to hear.

To commitment – yours and mine!

So shine!

My 30′s: A Love Letter

Dear 30’s,

It’s the day before my 40th birthday and I was thinking about how I wanted to spend it.  How could I make this day as memorable as possible before I leap into a decade that fills me with a huge amount of excitement and a tiny hint of (hopefully healthy) fear?  And then it hit me… I want to spend the day with you.

Ten years ago when we entered this relationship, I was a splintered person in the midst of a family drama.  I had no idea who I really was.  I had no concept of what it meant to be in a healthy, loving, and committed relationship with myself.  And I did not understand that the power I constantly tried to give away to others was in fact mine to claim and own for me.  Because of you, that has all changed.

I stand before you today with genuine respect and deep gratitude for all that you have provided for me.  You have shown me how to hear, trust, and act upon my inner voice.  You supported my enthusiasm to keep saying, “Yes!” to brilliant opportunities and risks that grew me.  You helped me realize (see with “real eyes”) that love is all around me all the time reflected back to me through my family, friends and community.

After I ignored you repeatedly in the early years of my 30’s, you compassionately presented serious lessons with critical consequences that let me know I was not honoring myself and as a result, you showed me where I needed to give myself the love I was seeking from others.  You made me aware that I have everything I need right here, within me now.  You brought forth the resources that continue to help me be and serve big in the world.  You were relentless in showing me that the Universe is abundant, present, and friendly.  You helped me weed my garden of all the people, thoughts, and things that no longer serve me so that I have room to cultivate that which will serve me.  You were witness to my vowing to be a committed partner to myself.  You unleashed the mama bear inside of me who listens to me, loves me, takes care of me and empathizes with me at levels I have never known.

Because of all of this – because of you – I am a better daughter, sister, friend, partner and coach.  And I am forever appreciative of your patience and safe space that allowed that splintered little girl of 30 to become this integrated woman turning 40.

I feel so lucky to have had these years with you to break down and grow up.  I know there’s so much more to come and you have truly prepared me to launch into this next chapter of my life with a strength of heart, clarity about who I am and what I want, and the knowing I am the love, happiness, and divinity that I seek.  It’s a beautiful thing.

So, 30’s, today I am celebrating YOU.  I am thanking YOU.  I am hugging YOU.  I am blessing YOU.  And from the depths of my heart, I am LOVING YOU!

Truly, madly, deeply,

Stefanie

Turning “Chore” into “Choice”

My friend Tony was asked to do something in a meeting that personally filled me with dread.  Just thinking about this duty ignited my inner chatter, “I’m so happy she picked him and not me.”  “There’s no way I could do that, nor do I want to.”  “That’s definitely someone else’s job.”

While my busy brain continued to dialogue with itself, I turned to Tony who was sitting next to me.  With conviction, he looked the woman who made the request straight in the eye and in a fierce, southern drawl he responded, “Oh, I will.” And without missing a beat, he began that task with fervor.

I started thinking about the difference between Tony and me in that moment.  While I related to that request as a “chore”, Tony clearly made his “choice” to say a hearty “yes” to his adventure and in doing so, owned his power and had fun.

When we relate to things as chores, there is judgment.  Whether it’s laundry or those lingering items on your “to do” list that just cannot find their way to completion, these necessary tasks  can  often feel overwhelming and unpleasant.

Recently, I was talking to a dear friend who was feeling burdened by an extraordinary amount of responsibilities he was facing in his life.  Expressing his anger and upset with himself for over-committing, I asked him what it would be like if he changed each item on his long list from a “chore” to a “choice”.   What if he stood in a place of power and said, “I am choosing to do this” instead of feeling like he “had” to or “should” do this?  This simple idea quickly shifted his energy and almost instantly, he was able to  productively move through his day with ease, finishing a significant amount of what he had set out to accomplish.  He felt free.

Today in a meeting I was asked to do the same task that Tony had been asked to do weeks before.  As the dread of this request began to well up inside of me,  I smiled, consciously turned that chore into MY choice, and said, “Oh I will!” And I did.

As you write down and move through your daily “to do” lists and as unexpected responsibilities arise in your day, ask yourself, “Am I relating to this as a chore or a choice?”  Once you are aware of the thought behind each task, then you get to decide what happens next.  That’s your power.  Own it!

What are you choosing today?

Give Thyself Permission

I can’t stop thinking about this sweat lodge tragedy that took place in October during a workshop given by spiritual teacher, James Arthur Ray. Did you hear about it?  Three people died and nineteen others were hospitalized with various injuries after they spent two hours in a small, ill-constructed space heated at 120 degrees.  While this incident and Ray is currently under investigation and possible criminal charges are pending the questions remain – how could this have gone so wrong and so far?

Though it’s easy and appropriate to point the finger (whichever one you choose) at Ray, I am fascinated that despite these unbearable conditions very few people left the structure.  According to several reports, participants were “strongly encouraged, but not forced” to stay in the sweat lodge for the duration of the exercise.  Yet I can’t help but sincerely wonder if there was a point when these participants felt it was in their best interest to get out of that cramped space with overheating, volcanic rock and no air.  And if they did have that thought, why didn’t they listen to themselves and leave?

In his book Harmonic Wealth, Ray writes, “Your intuition is the angel on your shoulder… When you start to pay attention to that inner voice… you’ll learn to tell the difference between fear and a stretch that will help you grow, or something to truly stay away from.  A good opportunity will feel expansive, exciting, like your brain is lighting up.”  I’m sure he meant that figuratively.

It’s worth noting that Ray dabbled in extremes in his own quest for enlightenment.  In his book, he says that while on one of his many journeys to the Amazon he asked a shaman for “the big dose” of a psychoactive plant known as the “death vine”, which “gives the seeker the experience of dying and being reborn.”

Ray’s desire for this experience is an important gauge as to how far he’s pushed himself and survived and how far he will – and reportedly did – push his students.  The problem arises when people push themselves to the threshold of others instead of knowing, trusting, and responding to their own.

While I am crystal clear I have zero desire to ever ingest a “big dose of death vine”, I was not as clear I would have given myself permission to leave that sweat lodge scene, even if my intuition was telling me to get out.

Hypothetically putting myself in that scenario I asked myself – Would I have entered that alarmingly hot structure even though I can’t bear to be in a sauna at the gym?  Would I have followed this leader who was “strongly encouraging” me to stay inside even if I felt in my gut that this was not safe?  Would I have allowed myself get to the point of severe sickness or even death?  My honest answer was… quite possibly.  This awareness was chilling to me.

In that moment I had total empathy for the participants of that event and for myself.  I vowed to consciously practice listening more intently to my intuition and to learn to know, trust and respond to “the difference between fear and a stretch that will make me grow”, per Ray.  I promised to give myself permission to ALWAYS respond to my intuition accordingly in any given situation, regardless of how it may appear to my ego or others.  Period.

What would you have done in this situation? Do you trust yourself and look to yourself first for your answers?  Where do you give your power away and deny yourself permission to follow your instinct?  What can you give yourself permission to do right now that would be a great example of self-care?

My hope is that this sad and tragic event will provide an opportunity for all of us to look within and see who and how we trust and take personal responsibility and healthy action from there.

Here’s to giving yourself permission and trusting you first!

“Let it go, let it go, let it go!”

After innocently sending an invite to someone I knew long ago in business to join one of my many social networks, I received the most scathing, loathsome, and nasty email ever.  It seems, based on his choice language, this person has been holding on to some serious resentment towards me for the last four years.  He called me, among other things, “rude”, asked me if I lived on the “planet of nothing happened before today” and then wished me happy holidays, which I thought was nice.  However, I don’t think he’ll be joining my social network.

At first I thought his mean response was a joke because it was so loaded and incongruous with my benign email.  He responded so quickly and with such a bite it was as if he’d been waiting by his computer for this very day to send that calculated response.   Meanwhile, I hadn’t thought about this person at all the last four years.  It even took me a moment to remember why he was so angry.  Then I recalled that due to his own, mean actions and inability to work with others, he was fired from a project I was overseeing at the time.  Therein lies the rub.

Despite the fact that he seemed incapable of taking any personal responsibility for this incident, I decided to respond to his email.  I wrote how sorry I was to hear that he’s been harboring such rage and apologized for anything I might have done to contribute to that.  I wished him well, signed it with sincerity, and sent it off.

Moments later I received an even more scathing, loathsome and nasty response.  That one I deleted immediately and moved on with my evening.

As detached as I felt from this particular situation, it reminded me of a time when I had wasted countless hours resenting my former boss.  For two years I fought with him for any reason I could find.  If he said up, I said down.  If he said yes, I said no.  I was relentless.

I fantasized about the “dramatic quit”.  You know the one – You purposefully walk into the boss’s office, clear his desk with your forearm and then break out into an Oscar worthy, unabridged soliloquy of everything you’ve ever wanted to say to him, punctuated by the guttural “I quit!”  Then you walk out leaving him speechless and enter the lobby where you’re co-workers greet you with the slow, dramatic clap that escalates into a full-blown applause ala every movie in the 80′s.  I get weepy just thinking about it.

Then the day came.  I took an opportunity to opt out of my contract and in a few weeks I was leaving the company.  Ready for my big performance I said to my boss, “Aren’t you happy?  We don’t have to work together anymore!” He looked at me quizzically and earnestly said, “What do you mean?  I like working with you.”

Wait…WHAT???

Here I’d been squandering valuable time despising him and he wasn’t feeling this way at all!  I wondered if this was the way “venomous email man” felt about my response.  How disappointing!  Yet unlike that outraged man, in this very moment I actually felt a sudden and complete shift.  I saw the truth of the situation, owned my anger, let it go, and I was free.  I even left that job on good terms with my former boss.

Both of these situations remind me of a quote I once heard by a man named Malachy McCourt.  He said, “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”  How true it is.

In the spirit of the holiday season notice what you’re holding on to and consider giving yourself the gift to “let it go, let it go, let it go!”  It’s a good one.

To Engage or Disengage

My clog-wearing friend, Cricket, lives on the fourth floor of a walk-up with marble, uncarpeted stairs.  The other day she reached the bottom of the stairwell only to discover that she had left something in her apartment.  She turned around, ran back upstairs, grabbed what she needed and ran down the steps again.  This time, though, a neighbor she’d never met who lives at the bottom of the stairs greeted her angrily.

“You always do this!” fumed her neighbor, clearly expressing pent up frustration about my friend’s loud clomping.  Cricket stopped in her tracks, turned to the neighbor and replied in earnest, “Forget things… I know.  I hate it, too.”  And out the door she went.

I love this story for many reasons. I’m inspired by and envious of Cricket’s presence of mind in that moment.  She did not take on any of her neighbor’s upset, diffused the situation with humor, and continued on with her day.  She disengaged from the rage.

I also feel compassion for the neighbor.  It’s clear she had been feeling this anger for quite some time yet had not expressed it to my friend.  Whether her explosion really did have to do with the clog stomping or was about something else entirely we’ll never know.

For me, there are two profound lessons about self-care in this story:

Lesson 1:  Disengage from the rage

Cricket’s choice to disengage from her neighbor’s rage is a great example of self-care.  She decided not to take the outburst personally.  Much easier said than done, especially when it involves family and friends, the fact remains – you always have a choice:  to engage or disengage with the rage.  Whether you choose to disengage by using humor, remove yourself from the situation, and/or or set healthy boundaries in the moment or after the person has calmed down, then you are choosing personal power and freedom.  If you choose to engage, then you are choosing to mirror whatever is being thrown at you, be it drama, anger, upset, etc.

Lesson 2:  Own your 100%

Technically speaking, Cricket owned her 100% by taking personal responsibility for her forgetfulness.  On the other hand, the neighbor never owned her part.  The level of upset the neighbor demonstrated was not congruous with Cricket’s action.  Or, said another way, the punishment didn’t fit the crime.  One might argue that perhaps my friend was being inconsiderate.  After all she does live in a brownstone with several tenants and listening to wooden clogs pounding on each marble step could be quite annoying.  However, the neighbor’s reaction was likely a result of having not expressed herself prior to this moment. Not owning her 100%.  Because she did not take care of herself from the beginning, this “annoyance” turned into “rage”.

When rage is present, it has to do with the past.  It’s an indication, a trigger, that there is unfinished business lingering that may or may not have anything to do with the present situation.  It’s a sign that somewhere along the line we did not take care of ourselves; we did not express ourselves authentically and now we are paying for it.

So I ask you, with whom do you have an opportunity express yourself honestly before the annoyance turns into rage?  How can you acknowledge and own your 100%?  What do you feel are the potential benefits of this action?  How willing are you to do take these steps?

Today I invite you to own your 100%, to take care of your needs in the moment, and to disengage from that which is not yours.  And above all, try your best to find the humor in all of it.

“Clarity Requested…”

I have a new hero.  His name is Tony.  This man knows what he wants and knows how to get it.  It’s intoxicating to witness.

In a meeting a few weeks ago people were excitedly talking over each other.  Then a calm, yet confident voice rose above it all and with the most pristine, southern accent said, “Clarity requested.”  All eyes turned to Tony.  Centered and composed, he asked his question, received his answer and responded in the same pristine, southern accent, “Clarity received.”

Clarity requested.  Clarity Received.  Simple.  Poignant.  Brilliant.  Even in asking for clarity, the man is clear.  I love him.

This has been a beautiful gift for me, especially as it relates to my friend who I’ll call Alphonse (per his request).  I’m convinced Alphonse knows every word in the Oxford English Dictionary, which, admittedly, I do not.  As a result I literally don’t comprehend parts of our daily conversations.  In the past I had stayed quiet, swimming in my own vat of self-judgment and feeling like an idiot.  Now I am proudly requesting clarity (sometimes in my own version of Tony’s accent) and gratefully receiving it.

Alphonse created his own version which he says in a pristine, Michigan accent: “Perspicacity requested.  Perspicacity received.”  See what I mean?

Where are you looking for clarity in your life right now?  Are you willing to ask for it?  And are you open to receive the answers?

Here’s to your clarity requested… clarity received.

Time To Re-define

It usually takes me a good solid year – okay three years – to follow a trend.  I held out on buying UGGs and the iPhone because I thought UGGs were, well… ugly and the iPhone was for the kids. Then two things happened:  1) My winter boots fell apart, and 2) I left my corporate job and was kindly asked to leave my blackberry behind.  These were desperate times.

Skeptically, I tried on my first pair of UGGs and quickly learned that for as ugly as they are on the outside, that’s how warm and toasty they are on the inside.  Who knew?  I mean, aside from the masses that wear these boots. Needless to say, I made the purchase.

Then I discovered there was an iPhone app for the 1980’s classic video game, Centipede.  I instantly let go of the idea that I was a corporate, blackberry person, embraced my inner Mac person, and bought that gadget with urgency.

The trend I had avoided the longest, though – aside from leggings – was blogging.  As a life coach, I was well aware that it is my unwritten duty to blog, yet I was scared and intimidated by the concept.  I was blog-phobic.  Every day I asked myself, “Who am I to blog?” and I heard Marianne Williamson in my head answer, “Who are you not to blog?”

Yet, any time I tried to write I experienced blogger’s block.  If I looked to another blog for inspiration I was overcome with blog envy.  All around me it seemed people were operating at heightened levels of blog-ability while I was paralyzed in blog resistance.

Finally, there came a moment when I realized that it wasn’t my blog, but my relationship to my blog, that was stopping me from moving forward.  I was the one standing in my way, not the blog or those prolific bloggers.  I was not owning my blog-ability. It was time to re-define my relationship to my blog and make this mean monster my fun friend. And here we are.

Every relationship you have, be it to a trend or another person, is a reflection of your relationship with yourself.  The key is to observe – ideally without judgment – what’s being mirrored back to you at all times.  Once you identify what you perceive in others, you will know what, if anything, needs to shift in you.  This is where the real change happens.

In my resistance to start this blog, I was actually rejecting myself.  I was closing myself off from my love of writing, my creative self-expression, and my desire to connect.  I was operating from fear and relating to myself as small.  I was hiding.

As soon as I recognized this, I changed my relationship to the blog from foe to friend.  This transformed my relationship with myself.  I felt more open.  I was kind to myself.  I started having fun. There was ease and flow in my writing and also in my day.  I was free.

So I ask you – What are the relationships in your life reflecting back to you?  What relationships might benefit from re-defining?  What do you want these relationships to look like?  What’s one thing you can do or one thought you might shift in one or more of your relationships to put this new definition into action?

Try it.  It’s time.