Finding the “Message” in the “Mess”

I was walking my dog today and came upon this sign.  I immediately knew it was a message and also a metaphor for what’s been present for me over the past few months.

I’d been feeling disconnected from myself.  I had let my morning practice go, I’d not been eating well or sleeping enough and the word exercise had been permanently removed from my vocabulary.  I was focusing on the “mess”, illustrated quite nicely here in the form of graffiti, behind the message.   That was easy.  “So shine” felt too hard.

At 2:00 in the afternoon something in me pushed past my resistance and I began to do my “morning” practice at that hour.  As I was writing in my journal, stating and adamantly claiming all that I was ready for and wanted, including commitment from others personally and professionally, I heard this very faint voice say, “Really?  You want other people to commit to you when you haven’t  been committed to yourself?  How could that possibly work?  You are teaching people how to treat you by the way you treat yourself.  You must first become the thing you want for yourself to yourself.  Then the thing you want will come.”  I knew then it was time to become the commitment I was seeking from others.  But how?

Almost immediately, the Mary Oliver poem came to mind where she says, “To live in this world you must be able to do three things:

1.  To love what is mortal, temporary, and fleeting.
2.  To hold it against your bones as if your life depends on it.
3.  And when the time comes to let it go, to let it go.”

Today I realized that I want to enter into this relationship with myself as if my life depends on it, because the truth is, it does.  I want to let go of focusing on the “mess” and embody the message “So shine” – even when it feels challenging.

So, with you as my witness, I am declaring my willingness to change my ways and get my shine on!  I hereby commit to my total and complete Self-care from the inside out starting right here and right now.  And I know that as I become the commitment to myself I will have that commitment show up in my external world.  And So It Is!

What do you want to have more of in your life?  How committed are you to becoming this first?  Are you ready to join me in getting your shine on as if your life depends on it and focus on the message instead of the “mess”?  If so, I support you 100%.  Keep me posted on your progress.  I want to hear.

To commitment – yours and mine!

So shine!

My 30′s: A Love Letter

Dear 30’s,

It’s the day before my 40th birthday and I was thinking about how I wanted to spend it.  How could I make this day as memorable as possible before I leap into a decade that fills me with a huge amount of excitement and a tiny hint of (hopefully healthy) fear?  And then it hit me… I want to spend the day with you.

Ten years ago when we entered this relationship, I was a splintered person in the midst of a family drama.  I had no idea who I really was.  I had no concept of what it meant to be in a healthy, loving, and committed relationship with myself.  And I did not understand that the power I constantly tried to give away to others was in fact mine to claim and own for me.  Because of you, that has all changed.

I stand before you today with genuine respect and deep gratitude for all that you have provided for me.  You have shown me how to hear, trust, and act upon my inner voice.  You supported my enthusiasm to keep saying, “Yes!” to brilliant opportunities and risks that grew me.  You helped me realize (see with “real eyes”) that love is all around me all the time reflected back to me through my family, friends and community.

After I ignored you repeatedly in the early years of my 30’s, you compassionately presented serious lessons with critical consequences that let me know I was not honoring myself and as a result, you showed me where I needed to give myself the love I was seeking from others.  You made me aware that I have everything I need right here, within me now.  You brought forth the resources that continue to help me be and serve big in the world.  You were relentless in showing me that the Universe is abundant, present, and friendly.  You helped me weed my garden of all the people, thoughts, and things that no longer serve me so that I have room to cultivate that which will serve me.  You were witness to my vowing to be a committed partner to myself.  You unleashed the mama bear inside of me who listens to me, loves me, takes care of me and empathizes with me at levels I have never known.

Because of all of this – because of you – I am a better daughter, sister, friend, partner and coach.  And I am forever appreciative of your patience and safe space that allowed that splintered little girl of 30 to become this integrated woman turning 40.

I feel so lucky to have had these years with you to break down and grow up.  I know there’s so much more to come and you have truly prepared me to launch into this next chapter of my life with a strength of heart, clarity about who I am and what I want, and the knowing I am the love, happiness, and divinity that I seek.  It’s a beautiful thing.

So, 30’s, today I am celebrating YOU.  I am thanking YOU.  I am hugging YOU.  I am blessing YOU.  And from the depths of my heart, I am LOVING YOU!

Truly, madly, deeply,

Stefanie

Turning “Chore” into “Choice”

My friend Tony was asked to do something in a meeting that personally filled me with dread.  Just thinking about this duty ignited my inner chatter, “I’m so happy she picked him and not me.”  “There’s no way I could do that, nor do I want to.”  “That’s definitely someone else’s job.”

While my busy brain continued to dialogue with itself, I turned to Tony who was sitting next to me.  With conviction, he looked the woman who made the request straight in the eye and in a fierce, southern drawl he responded, “Oh, I will.” And without missing a beat, he began that task with fervor.

I started thinking about the difference between Tony and me in that moment.  While I related to that request as a “chore”, Tony clearly made his “choice” to say a hearty “yes” to his adventure and in doing so, owned his power and had fun.

When we relate to things as chores, there is judgment.  Whether it’s laundry or those lingering items on your “to do” list that just cannot find their way to completion, these necessary tasks  can  often feel overwhelming and unpleasant.

Recently, I was talking to a dear friend who was feeling burdened by an extraordinary amount of responsibilities he was facing in his life.  Expressing his anger and upset with himself for over-committing, I asked him what it would be like if he changed each item on his long list from a “chore” to a “choice”.   What if he stood in a place of power and said, “I am choosing to do this” instead of feeling like he “had” to or “should” do this?  This simple idea quickly shifted his energy and almost instantly, he was able to  productively move through his day with ease, finishing a significant amount of what he had set out to accomplish.  He felt free.

Today in a meeting I was asked to do the same task that Tony had been asked to do weeks before.  As the dread of this request began to well up inside of me,  I smiled, consciously turned that chore into MY choice, and said, “Oh I will!” And I did.

As you write down and move through your daily “to do” lists and as unexpected responsibilities arise in your day, ask yourself, “Am I relating to this as a chore or a choice?”  Once you are aware of the thought behind each task, then you get to decide what happens next.  That’s your power.  Own it!

What are you choosing today?

To Engage or Disengage

My clog-wearing friend, Cricket, lives on the fourth floor of a walk-up with marble, uncarpeted stairs.  The other day she reached the bottom of the stairwell only to discover that she had left something in her apartment.  She turned around, ran back upstairs, grabbed what she needed and ran down the steps again.  This time, though, a neighbor she’d never met who lives at the bottom of the stairs greeted her angrily.

“You always do this!” fumed her neighbor, clearly expressing pent up frustration about my friend’s loud clomping.  Cricket stopped in her tracks, turned to the neighbor and replied in earnest, “Forget things… I know.  I hate it, too.”  And out the door she went.

I love this story for many reasons. I’m inspired by and envious of Cricket’s presence of mind in that moment.  She did not take on any of her neighbor’s upset, diffused the situation with humor, and continued on with her day.  She disengaged from the rage.

I also feel compassion for the neighbor.  It’s clear she had been feeling this anger for quite some time yet had not expressed it to my friend.  Whether her explosion really did have to do with the clog stomping or was about something else entirely we’ll never know.

For me, there are two profound lessons about self-care in this story:

Lesson 1:  Disengage from the rage

Cricket’s choice to disengage from her neighbor’s rage is a great example of self-care.  She decided not to take the outburst personally.  Much easier said than done, especially when it involves family and friends, the fact remains – you always have a choice:  to engage or disengage with the rage.  Whether you choose to disengage by using humor, remove yourself from the situation, and/or or set healthy boundaries in the moment or after the person has calmed down, then you are choosing personal power and freedom.  If you choose to engage, then you are choosing to mirror whatever is being thrown at you, be it drama, anger, upset, etc.

Lesson 2:  Own your 100%

Technically speaking, Cricket owned her 100% by taking personal responsibility for her forgetfulness.  On the other hand, the neighbor never owned her part.  The level of upset the neighbor demonstrated was not congruous with Cricket’s action.  Or, said another way, the punishment didn’t fit the crime.  One might argue that perhaps my friend was being inconsiderate.  After all she does live in a brownstone with several tenants and listening to wooden clogs pounding on each marble step could be quite annoying.  However, the neighbor’s reaction was likely a result of having not expressed herself prior to this moment. Not owning her 100%.  Because she did not take care of herself from the beginning, this “annoyance” turned into “rage”.

When rage is present, it has to do with the past.  It’s an indication, a trigger, that there is unfinished business lingering that may or may not have anything to do with the present situation.  It’s a sign that somewhere along the line we did not take care of ourselves; we did not express ourselves authentically and now we are paying for it.

So I ask you, with whom do you have an opportunity express yourself honestly before the annoyance turns into rage?  How can you acknowledge and own your 100%?  What do you feel are the potential benefits of this action?  How willing are you to do take these steps?

Today I invite you to own your 100%, to take care of your needs in the moment, and to disengage from that which is not yours.  And above all, try your best to find the humor in all of it.

“Clarity Requested…”

I have a new hero.  His name is Tony.  This man knows what he wants and knows how to get it.  It’s intoxicating to witness.

In a meeting a few weeks ago people were excitedly talking over each other.  Then a calm, yet confident voice rose above it all and with the most pristine, southern accent said, “Clarity requested.”  All eyes turned to Tony.  Centered and composed, he asked his question, received his answer and responded in the same pristine, southern accent, “Clarity received.”

Clarity requested.  Clarity Received.  Simple.  Poignant.  Brilliant.  Even in asking for clarity, the man is clear.  I love him.

This has been a beautiful gift for me, especially as it relates to my friend who I’ll call Alphonse (per his request).  I’m convinced Alphonse knows every word in the Oxford English Dictionary, which, admittedly, I do not.  As a result I literally don’t comprehend parts of our daily conversations.  In the past I had stayed quiet, swimming in my own vat of self-judgment and feeling like an idiot.  Now I am proudly requesting clarity (sometimes in my own version of Tony’s accent) and gratefully receiving it.

Alphonse created his own version which he says in a pristine, Michigan accent: “Perspicacity requested.  Perspicacity received.”  See what I mean?

Where are you looking for clarity in your life right now?  Are you willing to ask for it?  And are you open to receive the answers?

Here’s to your clarity requested… clarity received.